why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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