the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
