I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize