Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
