At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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