That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
