just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
