I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
