My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
