look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize