From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I love you. Go after that dick
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
