If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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