I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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