A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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