Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
