i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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