Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
you inspire me to be a worse person
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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