I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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