I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
