Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
