a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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