she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
