so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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