Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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