you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
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