Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
