the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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