Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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