Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
