Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize