Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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