Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
