Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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