It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
