we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
