so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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