i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize