since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
