What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
