she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
She told me I should be a condom model.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
