the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
