The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
