I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
