i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
