i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize