i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
