don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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