I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
