I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
