just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
