Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
