Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
