Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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