Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize