Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
