I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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