I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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