Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Bring me that man meat
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