he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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