So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
