Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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