So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
so let's talk penis.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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