the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
