I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
