I puked a lego.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
