when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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