dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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