Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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