Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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